Just One More

I don't think my blog is going to be as uniform as it once was. I may not even post every day, and sometimes, like today, I may have more than one post.

I've been watching Celebrity Rehab on VH1 and I'm so terribly concerned for Jeff Conaway. Remember Jeff Conaway who played Kenickie on Grease, and Bobby (I think it was "Bobby") on the tv show Taxi? I watched him self-destruct on VH-1's Celebrity Fit Club. I don't know why I am so concerned over him but I am. Have you seen him on the show? It's absolutely pitiful. He is in horrible, horrible shape. I heard the doctor say that he (Jeff) took over $1,000 of Oxycontin (sp?) and I think Vicodin in just two days. I pray that he gets sober. What a sad situation. :(

I haven't talked to my Mom since the day after Christmas. I was upset with her from all the stuff that happened on that day (I blogged about it, you can go back and read it if you like) and after time and time again of being disappointed I just haven't talked to her.

Yesterday she called me and left me a message that broke my heart. I could tell that she was just...so hurt that I haven't called her and won't answer my phone when she calls. I mean I could HEAR it in her voice. She sounded almost guttural in her anguish and it broke my heart. And I called her.

I don't feel like rehashing the story again because most of you all know our history, but anyway, I called her last night and we talked for a few minutes. I called her earlier today and we talked for an hour and 20 minutes. We had a terrific, wonderful conversation. She talked about how much her Bible studies mean to her and how great things are going in that aspect of her life. We talked about other things and just had a great talk.

Less than 10 minutes later she called me back and said that my brother's ex-wife called her and told her that my brother had been laid off and was coming home from what was supposed to be a 13-week job. Her attitude had changed completely. She was almost totally hysterical and told me that the devil had won, that she was giving in, and that she was going to get drunk. This was after a totally sane, completely normal conversation between a mother and her daughter just 10 minutes prior.

My brother and Mom live together. My brother has a MAJOR problem and she thought (once again) that he was doing better. She thinks he got fired and not laid off which means they can't pay their already late rent. That's why she flipped out.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I just don't understand. That second phone call is one of the reasons that I've just backed away from the relationship I have with my mother, which has been on the rocks since I was 11 years old. I was telling Brooke about this on the phone earlier and she said, "You always fall for it, Mom." Isn't that sad? I DO always fall for it, but what else can I do? She's my mother. I want a relationship with her. I miss having a mother. I realize she is not healthy and hasn't been for decades now. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

I think about things like holidays and daughters in the kitchen with their mothers, laughing in the warm glow of light, having a wonderful time preparing for the holiday. I think about Sunday dinners and shopping trips and the hour-long phone conversations that one has with their mother and I want that SO much. You just have no idea. It kills me. My mother is sick. Her depression is so much a part of her now that I fear that nothing can ever help her until she herself realizes that she needs the help.

All I can do is pray.

edit: I talked to my Mom a little bit ago and she was back to her normal self. She apologized for acting the way she did and said that she felt better about things. That was a major step for her. This is the first time she's admitted that how she was acting wasn't how she should be acting, so that's a huge deal for me. :)